Happy 48th Birthday To Me

When we were young, life was far from perfect.

I lived under someone else’s roof and moved from one family to another throughout my growing up days. Yet it was okay, because the power of being at the beginning part of life lies in the fact that we could hope that bad situations would change when we gained control as we grew bigger, stronger, and wiser. Most wishes start with “when I grow up I will…” do this and do that. Change this and change that.

Now we are where we wished we would be, in control and in power. And then you realise, in the most painful way, that life continues to be beyond your grasp. And disappointing circumstances persist in being a constant. Nothing has changed. Except now there is no future to wish upon. I can’t start each wish with “when I grow up” anymore.

And when we grow up and old, we fall sick. Sick in the mind, sick in health. Sick of fear and regrets.

So what’s it all about? Don’t tell me it’s all about the journey again. If all those tumultuous paths lead to such dismay, then I honestly think it is rather meaningless. I would rather be born a cat and know not the sinistres of the human world.

So when a happy moment comes along, celebrate it, laugh and sing to it. That’s all the love we will remember.

I may not have amazing victories but I can amaze you with defeats that I came out of alive.—Chekhov.

Happy birthday to me.

Don’t Over think.

Hello 2023.

I am back.

2022 almost got cancelled by me myself and I. Until I decided not to let a year be defined by a single unfortunate incident- home burglary.

My apartment was broken into on 30 April 2022. And this home invasion broke me.

The burglars took all my valuables. But thankfully they did not hurt my beloved cat Rudon. I was not home at the time of the accident and hence, by God’s grace, I was unharmed too.

I realized it was easier to be angry than to be sad. I chose neither. Ghosts and regrets keep me on my toes. I choose to stand right back up, and live.

Do I still love Paris? Do I wish I had never relocated to Paris? Do I still want to stay in this city of lights?

Yes and no.

I foresee some changes ahead. Some decisions are going to be painful to execute. Life is a constant process of hellos and goodbyes. It takes unwavering resilience and optimism to carry on. I am so tired, but my pride forbids me from giving up. My friends deem me as a beacon of strength. I am in fact weak and lazy.

I am so lazy that I decide to stop thinking, for now. Just let me float. Until I find a reason to love again.

Still Alive, Madly, Drunkenly.

My last entry was a year ago. Needless to say, the past year had been such an awakening for many people. I for one have never felt more alive, more loved, more in-love.

At two months old, Rudon entered my life. He has taught me what it means to love someone so unconditionally. Love at its purest, no expectations, sans limits. He is one year and three months old today. And I love him to pieces.

The day I brought Rudon home. And now.

We play hide-and-seek, we take naps together, we eat together, we sleep together, we watch TV together. I found my soul mate. I tell him I love him all day every day.

Besides Rudon, I also picked up three musical instruments: the violin, guitar and piano. It was as if I knew the world was approaching its end days, and I have no time to lose. I dived into my favourite songs to motivate myself to persevere, and I did not allow the technicalities to deter me. Unfazed by the complexities of the realm of music, I play and sing like no one is watching.

Never too late, never too old to learn.

Starting life from zero.

It’ s been four years since I relocated to Paris. And from time to time, I will be pressurized by well-meaning friends to return to Singapore. It always frustrates me when I am being told what to do with my life. I am not a planner, I am dreamer. And sometimes, the decisions I make may not be the wisest (to you).

Spending summer in Singapore and the rest of the year in Paris is my current balance, albeit an unequal one. This is the way I stay true to my soul’s desire, and enjoy the best of both worlds.

I wish for you too, to find your own sanctuary, a place where you are free to exercise your creativity, in an environment where you are not judged by every single move you make. A place where you can be the best version of yourself.

Bon courage.

Life in Paris.

Staying Alive, Is The Best Form of Travel.

I was woken up by the melodious song of the swallows, it was high-pitched and loud as they danced round and round in the sky, in pairs. It must be mating season? My neighbours said they hear it all the time. I must have been too absorbed by the noise in my head to hear true beauty right outside my window. 

When you are too full of yourself, your garden will not bloom, because you forbid the sunshine to come through. Instead of a bouquet of colourful tulips, you only see darkness. Be light and free as the swallows. 

2020 has been sobering, to say the least, the world and what little is left of humanity, seems to be in a steady decline. Bad things happen to good people, good things happen to bad people. It’s nobody’s fault. That’s just life. And learning to accept this, makes me realize what growing older and (hopefully) wiser is all about.

I often find strength in the people whose paths I would fatefully cross. They would change your life bit by bit, till you find your way home. The times you fell, failed, and were humiliatingly defeated, were all necessary, because without the loss of pride, you would never learn the depth of humility. 

My life in Paris continues, drunkenly alive, madly consuming the light, ferociously devouring beauty, and learning the art and joy of giving. Happiness is amazing. It is so amazing that it doesn’t matter if it is yours or not. 

Background music:  Oltremare By Ludovico Einaudi –

“成熟不是为了走向复杂而是为了抵达天真”—三毛

Go Find Your Way Home.

2019 you were a ghost. I had no entry, except for my Hello 2019 post.

Listen, it wasn’t that you were unmemorable, but I ran so fast, too much adrenalin, it was quite a mess, everything seemed like a blur. I spent the bulk of my energy settling down in Paris, getting the hang of my new environment, starting a new business, and learning to work with French people. I can’t remember all the details only that I had no control over most of what was happening. Life deals you curveballs. You just have to catch them.

 All I can say is, the learning curve is steep, and I feel like I’ve aged 10 years. Don’t say this, don’t do that, don’t explain, don’t justify, this will make you look vulnerable, I was told. What’s wrong with that? Vulnerability does not mean that I am weak. Kindness is not a flaw.

Last night I went to watch #Madonna at #legrandrex, eXtremely amazed by her grit to perform, in spite of her injured knees. She knew she had to go on because her show, full of love and pledges for marginalised people, was too important to be surrendered without a fight. And what a fight it was, at times it was painful to watch her dance and it was much more enjoyable when she didn’t have to move. Frozen, when she just sat there and let Lourdes, her 23 yr old daughter and a splitting image of her, take over the stage, was hauntingly beautiful, and surreal.
“Hello gay #Paris, we can all be Madame X.” she said. As Madonna and her contingent of warriors marched out of the theatre singing “I will rise” the couples around me hugged, cried and in their tears, I saw hope and representation.

            Every good story has a hero. And you have to root for yours.

            Sometimes the hero, is none other than yourself. You just have to wait till the end to find out.

Well Hello 2019.

Ten thousand steps,
Dreams in her hand,
A winter’s tale.

We moved through time, the intensity of 365 days passed, in which I quit my job on 2 January 2018, moved to Paris in March, found another job in June, rented an apartment of my own in December, and broke free from influence. There is something about endings and saying goodbyes. The ache is real and strangely addictive. But that just makes new encounters all the more breathtaking. It makes you wonder, again and again, is life a giant ferris wheel? You go round and round, you go up and down, it all begins again. We move through time after time, wondering if we will see the ones we love again, when one ceases to exist. In the end, we remember moments of love, intense love. And how we fought to live on. 

Life is such.

It has been a year where I was under no pressure to be the greatest showman, or charming, or relatable. I decided I prefer myself this way, walking, encountering and writing away. Language is truly a powerful tool. I strongly recommend that you make learning a 3rd or 4th language one of your 2019 to-do-priorities.

Here are 5 things I would like to be able to execute in this new year.

1. When they go low you go high. Says Michelle Obama. I say when people go low you don’t have to shake their hands, smile and say thank you, allowing the abuse to prevail. You are allowed to show your hurt, disengage and delete them from your life. 
2. Speak up, speak out, speak proud.
3. Brace up and be a woman. Don’t allow myself to be bullied by service staff. Or anyone, really.
4. Make every fall I’ve ever taken be worth the pain. “I’m not telling you it’s going to be easy. I’m telling you it’s going to be worth it.” This is for anyone who is waiting for a time to shine in your life, the time is #NOW. 
5. Lastly, don’t look back, you are not going that way. 
   
   

“When the time comes, take all your glory, and stand aside”– so aptly put by Erich Kastner. So here I go, I am going to show you how I gladiate. And then out and up I return when death beckons, which could be anytime, soon. We’ll never know when. I wish for you courage and the capacity to embrace the potential of each ephemeral lifetime. And while chasing your next big goal, don’t forget about the million little moments that make the chase worthwhile. 

Après avoir vu la descente, contemple l’ascension.
You have seen me fall, now watch me fly.

I Feel Pretty Perfect.

From as young as when I was 7, all the way to the days when I was an actress, about 23 years, almost half of my life, I had been told to change many things about myself. And here are the top 7 on the To-Do-Something-About-It-list:

1. My eyes were too small (I discovered the magic of fake eyelashes)

2. My boobs were too flat (Nothing I could do about it, still flat)

3. My hair was wiry (Rebonding yay!)

4. I had no waist (I starved)

5. I was not tall enough (Nothing I could do, still 162cm)

6. I was not thin enough (I starved)

7. I had pig trotters for legs (I starved)

You see, I tried to do something about these problems, to the best of my abilities, without going under the knife or needles, not because I am against enhancements, but because I have an inexplicable paranoia of surgeries, big and small. And starving myself really did not work, on the contrary, it made me feel even lousier than ever.

I just watched the film #IFeelPretty (starring Amy Schumer), which even though exploited clichés of what it means to be beautiful, hits me with the undeniable self/society-imposed demand of the importance of being attractive. Attractive to who, to achieve what, as plain Sharons we were not told, but simply that we were not good enough looking like this. In hindsight, I wasted too much resources on trying to be something else I was not. When what we should have done is to allow each girl to shine just the way you are, supported by grace, elegance and heart, which have nothing to do with how flawless your face and body is.

I urge all of us to find worthier role models to emulate.

Be Nobody-But-Yourself.

I have been reading all your private messages to me and I want to thank you for your sincere and heartfelt sharing of your journeys and insecurities. I did not know that a small part of my life would resonate with so many of you. I was merely doing what I knew best at each crossroad of my life. During the earlier more tumultuous times of my growing up pains, social media did not exist. I felt for the most part alone. Hence, the talking-to-myself-phase you heard in the interview. Now, it should be much easier to reach out for help, since we are supposed to be more connected on several platforms, such as this one. Kudos to Andie, and Jasmin, Joyce and Jermaine, his team of young and talented crusaders, for not settling on creating easy content just to gain likes, but content that people need. It is the tougher path, but oh so worth it.

The interview above was conducted two days before I left Singapore for Paris. It has been almost 3 months now, and I have gained so much—3 Kg and a whole library of memories.

You don’t need the whole world to approve. You just need one or two very important people. But the most critical approval comes from yourself. Good luck and and may we continue to seek solace in one another. This is one reason why I embrace this virtual environment. It brings hearts together. As one.

The world is big, and filled with brilliant minds. Find them.

I wish you well.

An Ordinary Woman In Paris.

It’s been a little more than two weeks since I moved to Paris. When flight SQ334 landed on the morning of 19th March, I marvelled at the snow that greeted me, even when Spring was just round the corner. I thought to myself as the plane touched down the runway, that the world was ending, there was no time to waste.

Savour life, I say, and make things happen for yourself. The watchword being: self-imagination. Or else your story will end up like one of those indie films, where pretty much nothing really happens, and the characters grow old and die. Not sad, but not exciting either. I realized we’ve got to foster our dreams, the way we nurture relationships with the people we care for. And this balance between life’s practicalities and hopes constantly kept me on my toes. I am in Paris, because I do not want to surrender to the limitations of where I came from. I expected more out of a lifetime, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with harbouring a desire for a bigger, better, brighter you. No matter what they say.

And so here I am, dancing and drowning in spontaneity.

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For now, before my next adventure begins. I am in no hurry. Can we stay this way for a lifetime? I believe, that when a woman sheds her armour of self-importance, she becomes stronger. You can no longer hurt her with your cynicism. “Today’s news is tomorrow’s history”. I no longer take what is said about me, about anything or anyone seriously. Being Sharon Au suddenly seems pretty fun and distinctive again without all these self-image baggages. You will not hurt me with your words. Not for too long anyway.

If an ordinary girl from Singapore who grew up from a broken, poor and unprivileged family background could receive a good education, be awarded Best Trainee of Singapore Airlines Batch 364, win 11 Star Awards trophies as a TV host and actress, study abroad in Japan and France in my 30s, contribute to the media and fashion industry after graduation and arrive in Paris, I believe nothing should ever stop you from stepping out and stepping up. Live with vigour!

This is not the end. I want to see you fly.

(Photos by Yujia)

Leave. Live.

The first thing I did in the year 2018, was to quit my job. On the second day of the new year. I left a company I had been a part of for 22 long years. It was the second best thing I have done in my life thus far. The first was in 2005 when I left a 10-year showbiz career to pursue a university degree in Waseda University, Tokyo. That was without a doubt, the scariest, bravest thing I have done in my life. And, yes, it changed my life. After all, huge risks, are the only ones worth taking.

To anyone who is pondering on whether to stay, or leave…if you are wondering where does this courage come from…this is how I found mine. Twice.

Block out the noise, and listen intently to your own voice. Your body (and soul) has a natural defence mechanism to self-heal. We could not hear them because we are drowned by social construct. I say, purge all the layers of externalities, and for once, have a conversation with just yourself.

I can’t tell you what and how the dialogue will go. We all have different stories. Let your body tell you hers. But I say, don’t wait for a tragedy to strike, before it shakes you to want to live better. A mentor of mine recently bravely fought nose cancer. He was so positive throughout his 33 sessions of chemotherapy he brought laughter to the other patients in therapy. A close friend of mine just suffered a stroke. He goes to the gym every day in the week, eats mostly boiled vegetables and fish, doesn’t smoke. We all have constant reminders like this. We see and hear enough. No one needs to tell us any more, that life is short, vulnerable and unpredictable.

Don’t wait too long to be happy. We might not have the time.

And then, go forth. and never look back.