Don’t Over think.

Hello 2023.

I am back.

2022 almost got cancelled by me myself and I. Until I decided not to let a year be defined by a single unfortunate incident- home burglary.

My apartment was broken into on 30 April 2022. And this home invasion broke me.

The burglars took all my valuables. But thankfully they did not hurt my beloved cat Rudon. I was not home at the time of the accident and hence, by God’s grace, I was unharmed too.

I realized it was easier to be angry than to be sad. I chose neither. Ghosts and regrets keep me on my toes. I choose to stand right back up, and live.

Do I still love Paris? Do I wish I had never relocated to Paris? Do I still want to stay in this city of lights?

Yes and no.

I foresee some changes ahead. Some decisions are going to be painful to execute. Life is a constant process of hellos and goodbyes. It takes unwavering resilience and optimism to carry on. I am so tired, but my pride forbids me from giving up. My friends deem me as a beacon of strength. I am in fact weak and lazy.

I am so lazy that I decide to stop thinking, for now. Just let me float. Until I find a reason to love again.

Let’s Misbehave.

The march towards liberation started three months ago. And the universe brought me back to the place where I first knew what passion was. Awakening, it is all about timing.

I went back in time, to Paris. Spirit soared. Love the vibes of the city, light and yet soulful. I took many walks, I hungered for her scent and her lumière.

There I found the inspiration to communicate and to connect. In a deeper way that is. Neither through captions on Instagram, nor via emoji-ranting on Facebook. I am motivated to write, for those of you who are reading this right now.

Some friends told me that my last post “The Art of (Not) Giving Up” was painfully moving. I am glad my words did something for you. The thing is, what one takes away from a piece of confession actually depends on your perspective in approaching the piece. The objective of said blog entry was to motivate people, who like me, found themselves involuntarily stuck in a moment. However it received some unfavourable feedback from certain quarters of my life, who felt I should be more discerning of what I air on my blog, even if it was a personal one.

I guess that was why I have not able to pen my thoughts since, for I was unsure of what might or might not be acceptable, anymore.

We all have our own battles to fight.

But today I’ll say, let us end the inner-struggle. For once in your life, let us go where the heart leads us. We face enough external conflicts everyday. Why then do we still want to fight with ourselves. It is simply not natural.

Don’t tell me what to do. I am tired of following rules. This is my blog. Hear me roar.

She sent me a poem she saw engraved on a park bench, an extrait from Gaston Miron’s La Marche À L’amour:
je marche à toi, je titube à toi, je meurs de toi
lentement je m’affale de tout mon long dans l’âme
je marche à toi, je titube à toi, je bois
à la gourde vide du sens de la vie
je n’attends pas à demain je t’attends
je n’attends pas la fin du monde je t’attends

Love, it is a grand experiment. One that lights up your heart in delight. One that aches your soul with longing. This is the art of waiting.

Choose pleasure, not hurt.

Make love, not hate.

Do not wait for tomorrow, wait for me.

Wait, and hope.

If You Only Have One Night In Budapest

“If all they were meant for was to teach you how to love again, then it was worth it. Some of the best adventures are meant to end” –Erin Van Vuren.

Many people told me they went to Budapest for a day trip, enroute to Vienna or Prague. So I thought to myself, I will just spend a relaxing night there. Big mistake. Not only did I extend another night in Budapest, I cried when it was time to leave. Here, I found my castle in the air. At the end of 48 hours, it had overtaken Paris and Amsterdam to become my favourite city in Europe. Some things, like love, you just cannot explain. Everything in this Hungarian capital agrees with me, but most of all, its quietude soothes even the most battered of souls, and its informality makes one feel right at home. I think this is why art exists. Suddenly you are reminded to love yourself again.

The best way to explore this city of surprises and wonder is by walking. So abandon your pretty but impractical summer sandals, and throw on your most comfortable sneakers, unless you want to have blisters as big as your toes. If you only have a day in Budapest, here are my top three recommendations.

1. Stay at Hotel Moments

Collect your beautiful moments here at this stylish boutique hotel situated on the iconic Andrassy Avenue. In all my years of travelling, I don’t think I’ve seen hotel bathrooms as spacious as theirs. And as their name suggests, the staff seems bent on making every moment of your stay Instagrammable — you will find yourself enveloped by their warmth and gracious hospitality. Take a left turn and stroll along Andrassy Avenue. It’s a pretty long stretch, and you may just find plenty of reasons to make Budapest one of your fave cities too.

2. Eat at VakVarju (Blind Crow)

You have to order the BBQ pork ribs (Hungarian-style of course). You will never eat another anywhere else again. And if you love a red wine with strong character, you must savour a bottle of Ordogarak 2011.

3. See the whole of Budapest from Castle Hill

Explore Buda Castle. And then watch the city transforms into magic, as the day turns into night. From the top of the hill, you hear the melancholic strings of the violins, you see Baroque beauty, you drink in the sunset, you exhale love. You would not want to leave. I sat there from 8pm to just a little past midnight, lost in Middle Ages dreams.

Mabuhay, Cebu!

3 things I learnt from my Filipino friends.

 

#1 Smile. It Is Free Therapy.

I was greeted with warm smiles and kind eyes the moment our Silkair plane landed in Mactan Cebu International Airport. And this continued on for the rest of our trip – from the ground staff at the airport, to the driver who came to pick us, to the welcoming entourage waiting for us at the hotel entrance. It was a different sort of smile – a refreshing change from the tired ones I see daily at work, nor the pained versions from stressed-out friends in their 40s who are juggling their work, babies and spouses. What a difference a short 4-hour flight has made. I left a city that complained too much about what it did not have, to an island that celebrates even the little things. Singaporeans do not need therapy. We need to change our perspectives.

 

#2 Give Hope. Give Now.

During my trip, I got to know Mr. Manny Osmena, the owner of hotel Mövenpick Hotel, Mactan Island, Cebu (where I stayed. Mr. Osmena is not only an established hotelier and exporter – he is also an acute mobiliser of disaster and social response for social good. I was moved to discover a foundation he had set up, Hope Now Foundation, which has been funding medical responses such as Hospitals On Wheels (HOW) to reach affected rural areas in calamities, as well as lobbying for sustainable development and the end of poverty. Mr Osmena had set Hope Now up after witnessing the aftermath of Supertyphoon Yolanda. Since then, he has been regularly involved in disaster relief and is truly my big friend with an even bigger heart. #EndPoverty

#3 Mabuhay (a Filipino phrase that means “Live life.”)

You only have one life. Live it.

Things That Make Me Come Alive

Flowers.

Work.

Friends.

Puppy.

Be mindful of what you love. And surround yourself all the time with them. That’s my secret to staying calm.

Before I Die

Hello 2016. Sorry I am late. I am barely catching my breath everything is zooming by too fast. I don’t want to die yet. There is so much more of the world I’ve yet to explore. I am just beginning to embrace being happy in my own skin. What a waste if we have to say goodbye so soon, no?

I am not being morbid God forbid. Just wanna be realistic for once. We are but merely mortals.

Fill every page of the year with joy, that’s my new year resolution. Take nothing for granted, not even the most frustrating moments, for those are exactly the moments that are character-building. What doesn’t kill you makes you gayer.

  
  

Eat everything, travel the world, start a family, go to South Africa, be sober sky-diving…what do you want to do before you die?

#howRU ?

  

Some things never change. Like in my youth, I suffered from post-production-blues when the curtain fell for the last time on The LKY Musical, exactly a month ago.

(photo credit @ethylwyl )

I missed every step of the journey. The Marina Bay Sands North carpark, the walk through the food court to arrive at the stage door, the flowers in my secret garden, the aroma that greeted me whenever I opened the door of my dressing room, your sleeping bag, my cushion, my travel blanket, the secret nutellas, the spins, the surprises, the falls, the blood, the tears, the applause, the vocal warm-ups an hour before showtime, Somewhere Over The Rainbow, Bella Signora, Day and Night, my friends, your love. We were in a bubble. Some connections, you cannot explain.

As with all goodbyes, I was reluctant to tears. The gut-wrenching, heart-rending ache was too much to bear, I packed my bags and flew away. An attempt to recover my centre. In my head I kept singing, “Je vole, je vais t’aimer, je veux chanter. (I fly, I will love you, I want to sing) ” .

I was not fleeing.

It was just bizarre this cage that was blocking my chest. I could not breathe it was stopping me from singing. An exclusive emotion.

It all started to change when I breathed you, Italy. You and your friends, inspired me to live free again.

There is no reversal. Let every cell in your body exude love. The universe returns it in mysterious ways. Sing out loud your arias, dance in the piazzas. Find the art of being yourself. You can’t reverse it. If not now, when?

“There is no time for anything inessential”–wrote the late Oliver Sacks. I now know what I do not need and I will not fool myself with it any longer. What I can do more with, is space, and art. You cannot look at such beauty without thinking of the people and of love. Sometimes, we have to go far to discover who we are.

So this is it. Love, is personal. Judge not. I wish for you the kind of passion that revives you. Do not compromise. Before youth leaves you behind. Love recklessly. A song, a scent, a connection. Find your pair. That moment, it is forever.

Lost And Found.

Some songs haunt you. Because it is attached to a certain memory, that vividly replays in the mind. The sort that makes you shiver in longing.

We can’t turn back time. It’s over it’s over.

Look ahead. Life, is gut-wrenching. And will take your breath away. Love, with all your guts and soul. I learned that being vulnerable can lead to heart-rending and intense sensations.

“I was like a satellite spinning away
Almost lost forever and leaving no trace
Floating through the darkest reaches of space”–Unstoppable.

Some connections, you can’t explain.

We gave our best, all 35 performances of The LKY Musical. We said a good goodbye. But I have been waking up with a heartache. The past six weeks or so I lived on love. You kept me going. I embrace this pain with no regrets. You know what this is? This is the sound of a heart breaking. This is love. I will miss you, I already do. I will miss the stage. I belong there.

Yours Choo-ly.

Les Pas des Amants Désunis

I always write when I am overwhelmed by emotions. When I couldn’t breathe and had no choice but to pen down the waves of thoughts in my head somewhere. This is my therapy. Stay calm and write.

Nous avons une histoire très spéciale c’est destin que tu sois toujours dans mon coeur.

La vie est toujours beaucoup plus compliquée qu’on ne l imagine et si tout le monde est dans cette situation…
Le monde est un ensemble de relations compliquées où rien n’est exactement comme ça devrait.

Love, you are my drug and I am your silly goose.

Think of me, as often as you can.

That’s all we have left. Think of me.

S/W Ver: 99.51.05A

The way we loved.

In the last four years and four months, since I returned to Singapore, I braved one of the most demanding period of my (almost) 40 years of existence.

You are resilient you put on layers of armour, but one can never be too prepared for a stormy ride, such as this. And I was right, I loved and I fell. I gave my all and I fell. I fell over and over again.

Such is the story of our lives, I am pretty sure we are going through more or less the same uncontrollable adventures. I certainly have enough dose of self-pity. The thing about reflection in writing is that deep inside, I long for hope again.

The way I ache for the first kiss, the first touch, when souls connect.

At the end of the day, nothing makes sense, except what we stand for and the way we loved. C’est tout.

I know I am a weak leading lady, well, even in my own life story. But I tried. And thank you for letting me try. I will try and try again. I would rather do that than hide in my closet forever. Definitely much safer in there, no? But what do I have left in my memories, when I turn to ashes and dusts. Rien.

Chasing the dream, day and night.

I had a brilliant time. Ride of my life. And I am grateful, as always, to the many people whom I have had the opportunity to cross paths with and to learn from. I love you all so much.

I have taken the blows, so now let me recover my confidence. No judgement.

Let people wonder, let them laugh let them frown.

Why try to change me now?