Category Archives: alone

Si vous aimez la pluie autant que moi

Comme une danse. Dans une ville où j’attends revenir.

You can tell by now, that I obviously miss Paris a lot. 

You like to ask me how am I coping so far, after-all a year has already gone by and I should have settled into an old familiar rhythm by now.

Isn’t it? 

No. Not really. 

My heart aches for Tokyo. It is often too painful to talk about Tokyo. And that is why I prefer to sing about Paris. Then I don’t spiral into the abyss of melancholic yearning.

Paris is a love story, a romantic-comedy.

Tokyo on the other hand,  is a good old Kurosawa film noir. .

Never let me go. 

Where I used to wake up, grab a melon-bun and a cuppa coffee and ran to class every morning.

Where I got lost in my thoughts on the streets of Takadanobaba trying not to bump into fellow cyclists or worse, old ladies with bags of groceries. 

Where I was small but I occupied the city with a soul that soared, wholehearted I loved and I breathed.

When I close my eyes in bed every single night, I think about my Tokyo this way, while I bid goodnight to this almost-perfect life here in Singapore. 

I miss not knowing what is going to happen next.

I miss the walks in the park in the crowded streets of Shibuya in the quiet back streets of Jiyugaoka. 

I miss being vulnerable.

I miss me, when I was in another city. 

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It’sallinmyhead

I left my soul in Japan.

If it hurts much, it will hurt briefly;

If it hurts long, it does not hurt much.

It’s been 11 months.

You mean, it’s all in my head?

So where’s the serenity?

Ending this is the most horrible thing I can possibly do to myself

(and to you).

Adieu.

“When I speak of an end to suffering

I don’t mean anesthesia

I mean knowing the world and my place in it

Not in order to stare with bitterness or detachment

But as a powerful and womanly series of choices:

And here I write the words, in their fullness:

powerful; womanly.”

      —Adrienne Rich

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私を自由にしてお願い。

God?

Please, let me go.

I am prisoner number 1079000.

Sinon, permettez-moi d’aller au paradis.
Parce que la personne que je suis ici,  je n’aime pas du tout.

“…bien sûr si tu meurs, je serai très triste, mais je sais que Dieu, il t’emmenera à un endroit beaucoup plus tranquille…”
—–Mum.

Oh ma mère, tu m’as émue.

花葉兩不相見 ,生生相錯
情不為因果
緣注定生死

。。。

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Filed under alone, Life, trance

Choked.

I have so much to say. But no one to say it to. As I sit alone in the living room, dying to talk about tonight.
Yet I know this moment will pass, as we move on to other episodes of our existence, with the dawn of each brand new day.
But tonight, I really want to talk about today.
Yes, no one is here for me.

Fate,
you must be having a ball.

I will be fine tomorrow. Once the TGV arrives in Lyon.
Where all is calm, all is stable,
and love is waiting for me.
But for now, I am choked.
Choked by Paris.
Choked by the memories I have of this city.
Choked by affections, longing, and deep regrets.

“But let there be spaces in your togetherness and let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another but make not a bond of love: let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

–Kahlil Gibran

Oh one day, I will drown in my own intolerable silence.


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欺善怕惡

When I was growing up, I’ve been told that there are good and bad people.The pure and the evil.

The sisters in my convent school did console me, however, that as long as one stands straight, tall and upright, be steadfast in faith, virtuous in duty, truthful, loyal, and be a walking testimony of all things Godly, nothing can/will harm you.

Well.

er hum..

I turn to poetry again to seek some form of relief and understanding.Nothing else could do a better job, not friends, not mothers, not prayers. You have to sort it out in your own ways. I used to cry in the shower when I feel under the weather, I still do but less often now. Instead, the literary world offers all that I need.

Chanson. By Alfred de Musset.

J’ai dit à mon coeur, à mon faible coeur:
N’est-ce point assez d’aimer sa maîtresse?
Et ne vois-tu pas que changer sans cesse,
C’est perdre en désirs le temps du bonheur.

Il m’a répondu: Ce n’est point assez,
Ce n’est point assez d’aimer sa maîtresse;
Et ne vois-tu pas que changer sans cesse
Nous rend doux et chers les plaisirs passés?

J’ai dit à mon coeur, à mon faible coeur:
N’est-ce point assez de tant de tristesse?
Et ne vois-tu pas que changer sans cesse,
C’est à chaque pas trouver la douleur?

Il m’a répondu: Ce n’est point assez,
Ce n’est point assez de tant de tristesse;
Et ne vois-tu pas que changer sans cesse
Nous rend doux et chers les chagrins passés?

STOP

BULLYING

PEOPLE.

PLEASE.

YOU

BIG

CORPORATE

BULLY.

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希望の光の中で私の影

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Give me light not hope

Don’t love me too much

I fear I run

Run Sharon Run

Oh Mary on this festival that gives thanks to you

give me light not hope

Broken to a million pieces how many times can one die?

Don’t give me hope,

all I need is a simple life.

No hope

just LIGHT.

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Let’s stay friends.

Your voice in my head, singing Simon and Garfunkel. 

Old friends,
Old friends
Sat on their park bench
Like bookends.
A newspaper blown though the grass
Falls on the round toes
Of the high shoes
Of the old friends.

Old friends,
Winter companions,
The old men
Lost in their overcoats,
Waiting for the sunset.
The sounds of the city,
Sifting through trees,
Settle like dust
On the shoulders
Of the old friends.

Can you imagine us
Years from today,
Sharing a park bench quietly? 
How terribly strange
To be seventy.
Old friends,
Memory brushes the same years
Silently sharing the same fears..

IT IS OVER. 

OVER.

Life moves on. And once again I bury myself in the poems that I love. In words I find my sanctuary. 

MEMORIES BRUSHING THE SAME YEARS.. SILENTLY SHARING THE SAME FEARS…

Je me noye dans le courant. 

“J’AI TROP VU TROP SENTI TROP AIMÉ dans ma vie

Je viens chercher vivant le calme du Léthé

Beaux lieux, soyez pour moi ces bords où l´on oublie

L´oubli seul désormais est ma félicité. “

–Lamartine.

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運命

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Filed under alone, trance

Reveries of the solitary walker.

Rousseau.

You have given me immense hope again.

I read you and I am alive again.

“Everything is finished for me on earth. People can no longer do good or evil to me here. I have nothing more to hope for or to fear in this world; and here I am, tranquil at the bottom of the abyss, a poor unfortunate mortal, but unperturbed, like God himself”.

Certainly these are words of profound pain and intense resignation, yet at the same time, one feels a tremendous sense of peace that gnaws incessantly at one’s heart.

OH NO NO NO. How could I ever return to being who I used to be? I don’t think I even like her anymore. Sorry Sharon, I no longer feel for you the same way I did. I might even have come to despise you, even if it is only a tinge, but I am on the edge, and I fear I will not like what I see, should I see you in this new light. Please forgive me, although I strongly insist that I do not need to apologise for the way I want to live the rest of my life, wretched as it might be, it is still mine to behold. There is no turning back. You will be murdering my soul if you force me to.

And I will hate you, for a very long time.

But your friends. That’s another story altogether.

YOu almost missed your EXAM today if Hyelin has not called and screamed into the earpiece “SHAROOOOOOON

WHERE ARE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!”

PAK HYELIN my dearest korean classmate:I LOVE YOU

YOU TOTALLY SAVED MY LIFE.

Ok your whole academic record would have been ruined if you had stupidly missed this paper STOP GETTING LOST IN YOUR BOOKS I know you are very proud of your mugging but could you please take note of the time too??????

So anyway, 3 more essays, 4 more papers to go.

Goodluck you stupid stupid stupid STUPID GAL.

AND SHUT UP. As Carlos told you to. Are you happy now Carlos?

Still I wanna thank you for all the consoling messages. I am still hurt, angry, disappointed, lost faith..whatever..It is useless wasting one more second on it anymore.

Case not closed but my heart is shut.

YOU!!! I hope you know how much grief you are causing my family. I will never ever understand why. How do you sleep at night?

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Filed under alone, crazy, Read

“some of us are looking at the stars”

From my all time favourite movie–Cinema Paradiso…

Alfredo: Once upon a time, a king gave a feast. And there came the most beautiful princesses of the realm. Now, a soldier, who was standing guard, saw the king’s daughter go by. She was the most beautiful one, and he immediately fell in love with her. But what could a poor soldier do when it came to the daughter of the king? Well, finally, one day, he managed to meet her, and he told her that he could no longer live without her. The princess was so impressed by his strong feelings that she said to the soldier: “If you can wait 100 days and 100 nights under my balcony, then at the end of it, I shall be yours.” Damn! The soldier immediately went there and waited one day. And two days. And ten. And then twenty. And every evening, the princess looked out of her window, but he never moved. During rain, during wind, during snow, he was always there. The bird shat on his head, and the bees stung him, but he didn’t budge. After ninety nights, he had become all dried up, all white, and the tears streamed from his eyes. He couldn’t hold them back. He no longer had the strength to sleep. All that time, the princess watched him. And on the 99th night, the soldier stood up, took his chair, and went away.

Toto: [later in the film, Toto gives Alfredo his interpretation] …In one more night, the princess would have been his. But she also could not possibly have kept her promise. And it would have been terrible. He would have died. This way, however, at least for 99 days, he was living under the illusion that she was there, waiting for him.

Alfredo: Do as the soldier, Toto. Go away.

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